Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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