You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Please don't give away my fajitas
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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