If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
