My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
