I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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