Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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