Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
