I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
