I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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