she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
