and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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