Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
