...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
