theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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