Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
