The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
