if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
