i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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