tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
