I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
