Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
