I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
