my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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