On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
