trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
