life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
