our cab driver is having phone sex.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
