The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
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He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The adults are the big ones right?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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