she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
