The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
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Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
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Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.