I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.