there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
people are starting to question the shark bite story
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
