I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
