I got chris browned last night
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
