I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
