its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
