i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
