DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
