I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
