Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
