I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
