I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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