I will die if light touches me.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
