sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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