You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
