You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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