Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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