dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
