He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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