she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
