I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
