I looked at my own cervix.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
