I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
