On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
we're making bets on your personal life
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
