a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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