i just wanna soil my oats bro
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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