Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
