census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
