I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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