he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
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i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
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I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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