He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
