dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I FOUND THE LEGS
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
